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The one I've been waiting for

posted 7 May 2015, 10:26 by Tim Elliston   [ updated 13 May 2015, 11:23 ]

By Louise Jensen

You come to me in my dreams; I don't see you but I feel you, touching my face, whispering the things I need to hear.  You make my heart race and my soul shine.  I feel I could be happy.  I don't deserve to be happy. You calm the inner turmoil bringing the tranquillity I have been craving but have been unable to obtain.  Who are you?

I desperately search for you everywhere I go.  I want my dreams to become a reality and yet apprehensive that if they do I would disappoint you the way I've always disappointed myself. Where are you?  

I feel you know me and yet how can you know me and still want me?  Still be here? I hover from peacefulness in your presence to panic that I cannot be who you think I am.  Who do you think I am?  

I want to tell you everything and nothing.  I wish you could crawl inside me and feel what I feel. I long for you to just know without the need for explanations and recriminations.  Do you think I am so benevolent? What if I’m not?  What if I’m not who you think I am?    Who am I?

Do you look at me and see something good?  I really want to be the girl you see.  For her to exist would be like scrubbing out the dark side of me and filling it with light, a thousand dancing angels spreading joy and love.  I am tainted and you are too late to be my salvation.  Redemption is not always deserved and anyway I have done little to earn it.  What do you expect from me?

Last night I again felt your soft touch on my cheek bringing comfort where there was fear, calm where there was anger, making me the person I want to be.  I need you.  Do you need me?

I reach out for you, I want to touch you, to feel you, to be you.  I love you. Do you love me?

The bright light disappears and you come into focus.  I find myself staring into my own eyes.  Confusion fades as realisation dawns.  I understand that I have been so caught up with watching the demons behind me I didn't see the angels up ahead.  I had got so scared to feel, so shut off to my own existence that I lost sight of who I really am.  I had the light within me all the time I just needed, to forgive myself, to love myself.  I accept I am good enough.  I am enough.

I am filled with knowing, the understanding that the one whose love, acceptance and kindness I need is me. I am the one I have been waiting for. Overwhelming feelings of love wash over me and I can feel my body filling with an inner peace as my negativity and self-loathing quietly slip away.

I awake.  I can feel. I am home.  I am whole.

copyright 2012 Louise Jensen