By Louise Jensen
In my early, dark days of first acquiring a disability I didn't feel I had an awful lot to be thankful for. It was like I had spent my whole life getting to the point where I had a thriving holistic therapy practice I loved, great friends provided an amazing social life, my beautiful dog who I would regularly take into the country for long walks and my adrenaline pumping exercise routine. Life was perfect. I had so much to be grateful for but then it was suddenly snatched away.
I was left with constant pain, immobility and three children I felt I couldn't care for properly. So what did I have to be grateful for right? Well I was alive yes. Some people may say that's enough but they are probably either a) people not dealing with chronic pain on a daily basis or b) those with a far more positive mindset than I had at that time.
I thought back to all the advice I had given to my therapy clients over the years on healing emotional pain and moving forward but even though I knew it worked from the positive feedback I received, I couldn't apply it to myself. The problem was I was very good at talking it but as I had always felt good about my life I had never actually had to put it into practice.
The previous ten years had been the best I had ever experienced and I was naturally appreciative of all I had. After my accident appreciativeness soon turned to hurt, to anger, self-pity and eventually self-loathing. I caused myself more pain by resisting the enforced lifestyle change and couldn’t see a purpose in anything. It was at this point I knew I had to make a change.
I looked at the handout sheets I had previously given to clients (practical tips for living a positive life) and loving writing, gratitude journaling seemed to be an obvious starting point.
That night I sat with my journal, intending to start with three things I was grateful for that day. Just three. Piece of cake right? After an hour I gently closed the cover on the tear stained, still blank first page and cried myself to sleep, mentally adding failure at journaling to all my other perceived shortcomings.
A couple of days later I decided to try again. Determinedly opening up the book I quickly wrote my children, my home and food to eat. Feeling a smug sense of satisfaction I replaced the pen lid. I was done right? Objective achieved.
The next day I opened the book and froze. What could I write? The three things from the day before were all I could think of. I couldn't repeat them and yet nothing else came to mind.
I laid the now incredibly crumpled but virtually blank book down again and rested my head against the window. I watched a Robin tentatively sitting on the garden fence anxiously watching all directions whilst trying to keep an eye on the bird seed my son had put on the feeding station before school. For half an hour this beautiful bird made several trips, came back with friends and triumphantly cleared all we had offered.
It dawned on me that while I had been watching I hadn't felt sorry for myself once. I had felt in awe of nature and how beautiful it can be. Excitedly I reached for my book again. I ripped out the first page and discarded it. Yes my children, home and food were things to be grateful for but I just put them for the sake of reaching my goal. I wasn't really feeling anything at the time I wrote them and I knew the exercise had been an empty one.
That little tiny bird, with its beautiful red breast had evoked a truly positive emotion and from that I started to become more and more aware and recognise these precious moments as they occurred, which they generally do if you watch for them, each day.
It hasn't been easy. It is now 5 years on and journaling has become an important part of my life and has really helped me change my mindset and move forward. There is joy everywhere but that can be overshadowed by pain if you allow it. When I have a bad day now I read back over my journal and I remember that life has so much to offer. I still such a lot to be grateful for. Yes, I am one of the lucky ones. I have a life and I love it.
If you want to start a gratitude journal I recommend the following: -
I would love to hear how you get on.